everybody has a pool.. i just have attention deficit..

why does fish smell like a lesbian locker room?

it's weird how in weddings, people save the cakes for last.. 'cause they know their "friends" will leave otherwise..

i like to think of food 24/7, to give overweight people a break..

what about working at jim's pizza, would make you think you can be our Sr developer????

i'm just sayin, it's like yer gonna go and get all commercial famous.. at least bleach your teef.

oh honeyyyy, you're cover letter can't be "out of work and available.." :(

i'll loan you the money, but if we break up, you have to promise to pay it back.. it's like a poor person prenup...

..you know, a drinking fountain.

i just had this genius idea to open a smoothie shop that only offers water...

i kno, i know it's racist.. and it's totes works for some people.. but i'm so glad i'm not samoan.